“You Need to Talk to My Partner” — What NOT to Do If You Want Them to Declutter
Why shaming your partner never sparks joy — and what to try instead
On a recent trip to London, I met about eight new couples — friends of friends, all lovely people.
As soon as someone found out what I do, the dynamic shifted. Drinks were poured, snacks passed around… and then it would happen.
One person would grab my arm, lean in conspiratorially, and say:
“You need to talk to my partner.”
Sometimes with a laugh.
Sometimes with barely concealed desperation.
And sometimes… while the partner was standing right there.
I’d smile politely as they listed the many things their significant other refused to part with — old t-shirts, tangled tech cords, half-empty perfume bottles from the 90s. One person even mimed the shape of their partner’s “junk corner”, getting a big laugh from everyone.
I get it. I really do. Sharing a space with someone who sees clutter differently can be frustrating. But here’s the thing:
Publicly shaming your partner in front of a professional organizer you just met is not going to make them want to declutter… in fact, it’s one of the fastest ways to make sure they never do.
So, if you’ve ever been tempted to hand your partner over like a decluttering hostage — or you’re the one being dragged into the light — here are a few things to know:
🙅♀️ What Not to Do:
Don’t shame them in front of others. Especially not a professional organizer you’ve just met. It’s not cute, and it never works.
Don’t force them to get rid of things before they’re ready. This backfires almost every time — often leading them to cling to things harder.
Don’t turn it into a power struggle. Decluttering is about harmony, not control.
💡 What Does Work:
Model it first. Your own decluttering can be contagious. Let your joy speak louder than your nagging.
Invite, don’t demand. “I’m clearing out the kitchen this weekend — want to join me for the mugs?” is far more inviting than “You NEED to deal with your junk.”
Share the vision. Instead of focusing on the mess, talk about the feeling you want your shared space to evoke — calm mornings, less time searching for things, more room to breathe.
Acknowledge the emotional stuff. People hold on to things for reasons. Curiosity > criticism.
💬 And if you’re the partner on the receiving end?
You get to go at your own pace.
Ask for support, not control.
Don’t let someone else’s urgency rush your readiness.
This is the heart of the KonMari Method® — it’s never just about the stuff. It’s about building a relationship with yourself, and by extension, with the people you share your space with.
When you tidy with respect and curiosity, you’re not only deciding what you want to keep — you’re also learning how to listen, compromise, and honor someone else’s pace.
I’ve seen it strengthen relationships between partners, housemates, and families. Even with my own daughters, who have been joy-checking their belongings since they were two years old, I’m reminded that tidying is an ongoing practice. Yes, I still repeat myself. But I also see how they intuitively know when something no longer serves them — and how freeing that feels.
That same awareness can flourish in any relationship when we approach decluttering with compassion and understanding.
Decluttering as a couple isn’t about whose stuff is worse.
It’s about building a life — and a home — that supports both of you.
As one client shared after working together:
“Rebecca's positive energy was contagious. As my boyfriend was moving in, we decided to tackle the decluttering journey together, and it turned out to be the best decision ever… The magic of the KonMari Method, combined with Rebecca's expertise, brought us closer together. We communicated, compromised, and made joint decisions about our shared space… Not only did our home become a peaceful sanctuary, but our relationship thrived. If you’re looking for a life-changing experience that not only declutters your space but also strengthens your relationships, Rebecca and the KonMari Method are the way to go.” — K.M.
If you’d like that kind of transformation — in your home and your relationships — you can explore my 1:1 sessions below or join Circle of Joy for ongoing support, connection, and guidance.
Circle of Joy is where this work comes to life - a soft, grounded space for deep feelers and gentle action-takers. It’s where we go beyond the ideas and into embodied practice, with live sessions, guided reflections, and community support. Available to paid subscribers - and you’re warmly invited to join us.
✶ Looking for deeper support?
Sometimes you don’t need a whole program - you just need space to be seen, supported, and gently guided forward. That’s what the Power Flow Session is for: a one-off session designed to bring clarity, calm, and momentum.
💛 Book your session here → calendly.com/sparkjoyandflow/power-flow
And if you’re craving a slower, more spacious container to move through emotional or legacy-related clutter, I offer a limited number of 1:1 mentorships each month. These are designed for deeper guidance if you’re navigating a transition, feeling stuck, or wanting a supportive companion by your side.
💛 Learn more here → sparkjoyandflow.com/mentorship
Oh, I love this article especially that picture of the couple hugging while cooking🩷🩷🩷